Binary Puns

Via my co-workers Ben and Craig:

http://www.threadless.com/profile/685211/bhs/slogans
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/frustrations/5aa9/

Hee hee.

Why we should hang out: A Mathematical Proof

from Craig's List:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/419154651.html

The saddest part is that I've seen most this proof before, and I totally remembered that choosing the best person after (1/e) * n yields the maximal expected utility.

Real World Math Skills

During the War, a mathematician, a chemist, and a mechanical engineer are captured by the enemy. They're thrown into three jail cells in a remote part of the enemy base, and quickly forgotten. A month later the jailer remembers that these three prisoners haven't been fed in a month, and goes to check on them.

In the first jail cell, he finds a rudimentary lever and wedge on the floor. The mechanical engineer had pried the cheap cell bars apart, and escaped handily.

In the second jail cell, he finds a puddle of acid: acid that the chemist had poured on the cell bars to free himself.

In the third jail cell, he finds the mathematician's rotting corpse. Next to the body, there's a piece of paper. He reads it. It says: "Assume that I have the key to the cell..."

More Statistical Error

From a colleague:

Two statisticians are at a shooting range.

The first statistician misses the target by 10 feet to the left.

The second statistician misses the target by 10 feet to the right.

They cheer.

Another Statistician Joke

Another popular statistician joke recently appeared in this article on Slate. Jordan Ellenberg tells it so well that I'll just quote him verbatim:

10 statisticians in a bar. Ted Turner walks in. The statisticians start to whoop and holler. "What's going on?" asks Turner. One statistician explains, "On average, we just got a whole lot richer!"

Oh, Statisticians

Statisticians are to math what dentists are to the medical profession. Everyone knows that statisticians aren't real mathematicians, but we treat them like it to boost their self-esteem. And statisticians—like blondes—are great targets for jokes.

Two statisticians are on an airplane. Suddenly, they hear a huge crash. They hear the pilot over the loudspeaker:

"Attention all passengers, we have lost an engine. Fortunately, we should be able to make it to our destination with our three remaining engines. Estimated flying time is now at about 4 hours."

The staticians hear this and are put at ease. They continue to talk together when they're interrupted by second crash, and the sound of the loudspeaker again.

"Attention all passengers, we have just lost a second engine. We should still be okay on 2 engines, but we probably won't reach our destination for at least 6 hours."

Well, the staticians have time to burn and books to read, so they don't bother worrying about this new development. Suddenly, there's another crash, and the pilot's anxious voice comes over the loudspeaker:

"Attention all passengers, we're now flying with only one engine left. It will take us at least 8 hours to reach our destination now."

One statistician turns to the other and says,

"Gee, if we lose one more engine, we'll be flying all night!"

Chemistry Jokes: Not As Good As Math Jokes

A ways back, I was hanging out with some chemistry grad students at a Yale bar, so of course I had to tell them my favorite chemistry joke:

Heisenberg is carelessly speeding down the highway when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks him, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg responds: "No, but I know exactly where I was!"

Well, the grad students liked that one, and returned the favor with one of their own:

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "I lost an electron here last night, have you seen it?"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "Nope. Are you sure you lost it?"

The guy responds, "Dude, I'm positive!"

Bertrand Russell is Awesome

I've heard this joke a few times. But my colleague Adam re-told it to me recently, and he has the best delivery I've heard yet.

Bertrand Russell once taught a class in logic. He was trying to teach his students why inconsistency was important: because you can prove that anything is true if you start from false assumptions.

One of his students interpreted that as a challenge. "Given that one equals two, prove that you're the pope," he shouted.

Russell immediately replied, "Nothing could be simpler. The pope and I are two, and two equals one, so the pope and I are one. Therefore, I am the pope."

The End of Pi

There's a winery in Napa Valley that boasts its own art museum. The owner bankrolls a handful of artists, then dedicates a gallery in the winery to their works. One artist uses his gallery space to pay homage to pi, with a 6-foot high LED display that shows the first 500 digits of pi, one at a time, over and over again.

Next to the display, there's a plaque with an explanation of the significance of pi, for those who are not mathematically inclined. This plaque informed me that mathematicians had been studying pi for a long time, that they believed this number had no end, and this bit of trivia:

Governments and universities around the world run computers to calculate the digits of pi, in the hope that they will someday find an end to this number.

My fellow wine-taster Bay saw this, pointed at it, and yelled: "Yeah...if they're STUPID!"

I don't mind so much when people completely fail to grasp irrational numbers. But if you're going to build a modern-art sculpture in pi's image, you probably should do 5 minutes of worth of research on it.

How Abraham Deals With His Computer

from Garrison Keillor's 8th annual joke show:

Abraham is installing Windows Vista on his computer, when his son Cain enters the room and says to his father, "Dad, you can't install Windows Vista. Your computer doesn't have enough memory!"

Abraham answers, "Don't worry, son. God will provide the RAM."